Pretty Brides, Ugly Wives

We see this happen all the time, it starts out like any other love story. Boy meets girl, girl likes boy, they fall in love and get married. The pretty bride goes on her way ready to live the fairytale of happily ever after. Slowly but surely things change and she isn’t even aware it’s happening. During the courting stages of her relationship she was showing up as the best version of herself, but what happens to the bride after she says I do and could it happen to you?

How did all the Pretty Brides become Ugly Wives?

I am sure you’ve see this happen to friends, family members or maybe even to yourself.  The pretty, sexy, feminine woman the groom fell in love with, turns into a condescending controlling nag.  The Pretty Bride lets herself go, gains weight, turns into his mother not his lover, and then wait for it, wait for it pretty soon she’s donning the mommy haircut, mommy capri jeans, sensible shoes instead of stilettos.  She looks as miserable as she feels.

No matter how together you thought you were. We are all at risk of becoming the ugly wife. The one that nags her husband in public at social functions and doesn’t take care of herself anymore.

Somewhere over the rainbow things started to change when you got into a new relationship and forgot about the most important one of all, the one you had with yourself first. You stopped doing what you did while you were courting, the things that made you feel good about yourself, that brought you joy and made you happy and your relationship starts to take a turn. In the beginning you took care of yourself so you would attract that ultimate mate, then one day all the things that were so important are no longer a priority. It happens over time, some women stop doing their hair, putting on makeup, dressing nicely and turn their sexy in for comfy. Men may think chivalry is dead now that they caught you and stop doing what they did in the beginning that turned your head. They may treat you like a possession instead of a gift.  The question is why do women allow it to happen?

Here are some of the top reasons why pretty brides became ugly wives:

1. Put a ring it… for many women is the ultimate goal. Find a man and get married. Many stop there and feel once they accomplished their quest they no longer have to work at it. Marriage is the beginning not the end and when you have nothing to move towards it is easy to wither and die in the relationship. You may have taken care of yourself by eating right, staying fit so you can find the perfect guy and now what? You no longer find the motivation to continue. This is the beginning of the end.
2. Fairy tale… wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be. You thought once you got married it was going to be perfect. You played through this in your head, but didn’t know it would be this way. One day your super girl the next day you feel like you have to be wonder woman the cook, chef, the maid and the lover. No longer just taking care of yourself, but now responsible for another person. No one ever prepared you for this role. This comes from upbringing. You were “YOUR MAIDEN NAME” all your life and now you’re “MRS SOMEBODY ELSE”. Who is this woman supposed to be? How does she act? What are her new roles now? You may have watched your mother based on what she did or didn’t do and used her as a role model for what you thought you were supposed to do when you got married. Take care of everything, the home, the children, the husband and thought you had to step into that too. Either way it is no longer about you and you lost your identity. You forgot that even on a plane they tell you to put the oxygen mask on first. Now you are putting other people’s needs above your own and lost yourself in the process. It’s not what you thought it would be and you’re not happy and don’t know how to get back to your old reality.
3. Mommy replaces sexy…and you don’t recognize the woman you see in the mirror. “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.”  It started out all about you, then you got married and it’s about him, then it’s about them and you fall into oblivion. You forgot to take care of your mothers’ daughter, you come first so you can be there for everyone else. Instead you lose yourself by making your priorities about everyone else and you eventually grow resentful and unfulfilled as you have lost your identity. You trade your sexy for mommy. High heels become no longer comfortable and loafers became your norm. No time to primp and play because you are too tired from the day. You are no longer the pretty bride who was swooped off her feet, but the caregiver for everyone except yourself. You may become ugly and start lashing out at your husband and your kids. You close out the world as you knew it and turn to anything to get the love you so desperately need. Food becomes your best friend and you start to gain weight, your emotions go array and you feel anger, resentment, you begin with negative self-talk that you use just to connect with something, even if it’s yourself. It is not what you want, but what you settle for in the relationship.
4. You feel like you failed…thinking you did everything right only to feel that you haven’t. You are lost in an abyss and don’t see your way out. You start to point fingers at those around you only to avoid looking at yourself. You have let yourself go. Feel you are powerless and have forgotten the super powers you once possessed. Shame, blame, anger and frustration become your norm. You seek refuge in stinkin thinkin, self-medicate with food, social media, shopping, complaining and trying to fix everyone else so you don’t have to look at yourself.

Changing all this is easier than you may think. Pretty brides can reemerge as even prettier wives if you just remember to do what you did in the beginning. Make the changes now so you don’t have to do it later if you’re forced to start over. If you become the ugly wife, you may become the ugly x-wife. If you do what you did in the beginning, there will be no end. Most people end up divorced and then start to take care of themselves by eating right, losing weight, exercising and being happy.

I promised my husband, Yardley, before we got married that he wouldn’t have a pretty bride and an ugly wife, because I knew it would be our demise. I also asked him when we were dating, “Don’t do anything for a day, that you can’t do for a lifetime”. These two promises have served us well and can do the same for you.

Rediscover the beautiful you inside that you let slip away and emerge the beautiful wife you were meant to be. Let your fairy tale become your reality!