Never good enough

Do you beat yourself up over things that don’t really matter? Compare yourself to others, only to come up short? If you’re feeling like you’re never good enough, you are in good (and plentiful) company.

Isn’t it ironic that everyone plays the comparison game, and usually feels alone, less-than and insufficient by the end? While you lament not measuring up to someone you deem to be greater than you, someone else is lamenting not measuring up to you. We all do it…and all in an effort to feel “good enough.”

The fear of never being good enough shows up in a variety of ways: comparisons, becoming a workaholic or over-achiever, perfectionism, procrastination, avoidance, and not completing things you start.

Such heavy and costly efforts for something that can’t be defined or proven because it simply “is.” The elusive “good enough” is already there.

You are already good enough.

And yet, no amount of telling yourself this is going to make you feel that way.

So why — with all your wonderful, unique qualities — does your inner critic come out on top? Why does it insist on convincing you that you are an imposter and leave you feeling like you’re never good enough?

The roots are in childhood. A child wants only to be loved and will internalize its parents’ problems and the responsibility for fixing them. Feeling loved becomes directly linked to the (unrealistic) ability to accomplish this.

Inevitably, “I couldn’t fix it, so I’m not good enough” insidiously takes root, and grows with the child into adult versions of the same message.

The need, therefore, becomes to unravel this internalized survival instinct so that you become empowered to change your own life.

There are several steps you can take to interrupt your negative thoughts and feeling like you’re never good enough. But the most important step is to question the very definition of “enough”. Your inner critic tosses the word around with unbridled negativity, but have you ever paused long enough to define it?

What would your life look like if you were “good enough”? Would you weigh less? Have more? Do something different? Never make a mistake?

Ask the question. What would your life look like if you were “good enough”?

And then listen, without attachment, to the voice within and to the wound that is there.

What answers do you get when you ask yourself to define the standard of “good enough”? Why would your inner voice say this?

If you travel by air, you are familiar with the routine security questions about your baggage. “Has anyone given you anything not belonging to you? Has your baggage been under your supervision the entire time?” Think about what you may be carrying around that doesn’t even belong to you…and unload it.

Remember that whoever taught you that you weren’t good enough did so only because he or she didn’t feel good enough. Hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. Give your “baggage” back to whoever packed it in the first place, or at least stop lugging it around.

“Don’t believe everything you think.” Cut the cord to your thoughts, and make the choice not to believe the negative ones. Do you believe everything you hear out in the world? Then don’t believe everything you hear in your own head.

Remember that there is more right than wrong with you. What do you like about yourself? Keep those beautiful gifts at the forefront of your thinking. You need them…and so does the world.

Stay in the present. Breathe into it, meditate upon it, accept it, and make peace with it. Living in the past or the future invites criticism — the breeding ground for feeling like you’re never good enough. It also creates dissatisfaction with what you have: the present. And the present, like you, is good enough.

Allow yourself to receive love and understanding from others when feeling you least deserve it. This is precisely when you most need these gifts.

And finally, allow mistakes and be self-forgiving. If forgiving yourself seems like a tall order at the moment, start by forgiving whoever taught you that mistakes aren’t acceptable and that you were never good enough.

You are on a journey of discovery, not perfection. There is no “good enough” to look for or prove; it is already there, waiting to be lived.

If you would like support in working through your feelings of not being good enough, please reach out to us. We are here to help.

You are never good enough!

Let’s start by asking, “Where did the belief that you are never good enough come from?” Think back to when you were a young toddler and starting your journey in life seeing the world for the first time, experimenting and learning new things. You may have stumbled a few times, fell, broke some things in your path and a well-meaning adult may have told you no, that’s not right, you’re wrong, you can do it better, it’s not good enough, try again, at least a few thousand times.

You got up and kept trying and found through many trials and tribulations that there was actually a right way and a wrong way of doing things. At the end of the day you decided to give a meaning to what those well-meaning adults that were guiding you told you, that you are never good enough. No matter how hard you tried there was always something you can do or be better at so it seemed.

The reality is that as a young toddler you may have felt you were never good enough because you knew nothing and were learning. That would be normal. No one as an infant knows everything nor are you expected to. You may have interpreted those early years as lessons that you are never good enough and they became your beliefs.

Well-meaning adults projected their rules and beliefs on you and wanted you to have every opportunity they could give. Today, yesterday’s beliefs would not be your reality unless you choose to make it that way, because you have had years of education and life experience that made you more resourceful in those areas that you had none as a toddler.

Unfortunately, you created a limiting belief that says “I’m never good enough” that continues to play in your mind even when it has no merit or proof today.  This has been the challenge for centuries for mankind. People replaying an antiquated belief that you are never good enough and not having the tools or resources to change it.

How do you change that limiting belief from feeling never good enough to more than enough? It is really quite simple. It starts with identifying the root of it all and weeding it out. Look at where the belief came from and in the context it was delivered. Ask yourself is it still true today? If the answer is no, you now get to choose to hold on to it, eliminate it or replace it with something more empowering.

Know that you cannot prove a belief. A belief is something that you gave meaning to. Therefore, beliefs are the lies we tell ourselves. You get to choose to continue to have them live on or you can replace them with something that will better serve you today.

Think back to the first time you learned to walk, ride a bicycle, or drive. Each of these at the beginning may have felt daunting. As if you would never be good enough at them until it became second nature and you no longer have to think about it you just do it.

History shows us many famous people today that were told at some point in their life that they were not enough and they went on to be more than enough.

Ludwig van Beethoven teachers felt in his formative years that despite his love of composing that he was hopeless at it and would never succeed with it or the violin. He decided to not listen to what others told him you they said you are never good enough and continued on his own path and composed some of the best-loved symphonies of all time–five of them while he was completely deaf.

Remember I Love Lucy? Lucille Ball was told by her drama instructors to find another profession and she was considered a failed actress, on the B-list. She challenged their belief of never being good enough and proved them wrong.

Marilyn Monroe wanted to have a career in modeling and she was told she was never good enough by the agencies and should consider becoming a secretary. Fortunately, she didn’t listen to them.

You do not need to become a Beethoven, Lucille Ball or Marilyn Monroe to be good enough but you do need to let go of the old limiting beliefs of you are never good enough and make a decision to move on. Become the best version of you possible. You are an original. There is no one else in the world like you. That alone makes you good enough!

If despite your best efforts, you continue to feel like you are never good enough, seek professional help. If left unchecked, feeling like you are never good enough could lead to anxiety and depression. A trained professional can help you overcome it now.